So, Danielle LaPorte posts these "Burning Questions" on her blog (genius play on the White Hot Truth thing!) and since she asked "What's one dumb thing that you used to believe in?" I had to answer...
I used to believe that I needed to suffer in order to be safe.
This all stems from the shit I went through growing up in an extremely abusive home but I remember clearly being 15 years old and getting on the ETS at 6:50 a.m. to catch my bus to school. It was the day after my birthday and my mom had surprised me with tickets the night before to a gala featuring Edmonton Oilers' hottie Craig Simpson . The tickets were $50 each and that was a lot of money for my mom to spend. It was a fancy night out and I even got to meet my crush, Craig Simpson who graciously posed for a picture with me, even putting his arm around me (I totally thought I was gonna DIE!!!).
Yup, that's me and ex-Edmonton Oiler Craig Simposon.
I totally thought I was going to marry him! HA!
I totally thought I was going to marry him! HA!
Anyway, I got on the bus, eyes half closed with sleep and accidentally kicked the crutches of a severely disabled kid who took the bus. I was horrified, so embarrassed and didn't know what to do. I crouched in the corner of a bus seat, hiding in shame and really did want to die, I felt so bad.
The thing is, I didn't do what I knew I should have done. I didn't pick up the crutches, I just hid on the bus seat. Another passenger picked them up and berated me for being so ignorant.
In my mind, I told myself I deserved to be punished.
That night, I got home and suffered one of the worst beatings I had ever taken from my stepdad. His excuse was he had found a phone number from a boy and if I was going to act like a slut, I deserved to be treated like one.
I told myself I deserved it because of what happened on the bus. It was my fault.
Karma was paying me back for being so thoughtless.
That was 22 years ago and I still remember that night as clear as I remember kissing my husband goodbye for work this morning.
After that night, I believed that for every good thing in my life, I deserved to be punished severely. And for years after, I attracted that kind of negative energy and sadness into my life all because I was a scared, 15-year-old girl who made a stupid mistake and didn't know any better.
I no longer believe that I can't be happy without sacrificing something every damn time I choose to be happy. But there are times when that sad little girl looks back at me in the mirror and I have to tell her that it's OK to be happy, that she no longer has to worry about paying for happiness with her soul.
I have to tell her that she is FIERCE.
And that, Danielle, is my one dumb thing.
