By Sammi Love
Today is March 7th and my long awaited biopsy date is here. I am sitting in the hallway of the Medical Building. I am patiently impatiently waiting to get this show on the road.Diagnostic Hysteroscopy and be put under general anesthesia.
Yesterday my doctor's office called me at 6:30am to see if I could have my biopsy yesterday, but I had no one to drive me back from the appointment so I declined and stayed with my original appointment. So here I am today, sitting, calmly waiting, anticipating the results of this biopsy that hasn't even been taken yet.
My husband is filled with nervous energy. He is carrying so much weight on his shoulders. He is the sole bread winner at this time, the guy who tries not to wear his emotions on his sleeves. He has failed today. His focus is non-existent as he tries to mask his fears. His energy is bound up tight and ready to explode. I don't need or want to be nervous right now. I have been really good at keeping my anxiety at bey through this process and I'd like to keep it that way.
***
My oldest son came and say with me and we talked about how excited he is to start at his new college in the Fall. We got his tax paperwork together and he left for his appointment to get his taxes done.
I went by my youngest daughter's school to pick up her report card. She is doing well in her classes, in fact she made the honor roll with a 3.33 GPA. We have managed to keep her and her other brother unaware of this current health scare, but today she really wanted leave school with us. She begged to come with me to the doctor ~ in her little mind she knows something is not right. I decided not to burden her with extra stress unless the results come back positive. She and her brother will be allowed to enjoy their childhood as much as they can for as long as they can and if this result is negative then the less they know about the process the better.
***
It's 3:29pm now and I am waiting in the office now. All checked in and ready to rock and roll! The ladies in waiting are gone from the couches and they smiled politely as they lovingly patted their bellies after their OB/GYN check ups. But I sit here reflecting on the many times that I was excited to walk into this office, yet today I sit here dreading the music, the magazines and the cheerful staff.
The pregnant bellies remind me of happier times, times before my body revolted against me.
My name was just called so I am now in the outpatient medical suite. My blood pressure is 114/70 and I've lost 6 pounds since my doctor told me that she thought I might have uterine cancer on Valentine's Day, believe me I didn't see that coming!
It must be stress weight loss because I have certainly been eating a little naughtier than usual.
The walls are thin here or either the ultrasound machine is against the wall. I can hear a babies heartbeat and I begin to calm down and then I remember I am over 40 and there will be no more babies for me! I have had my time and I have had my kids.
It's time for the next phase in my life.
I hope that this phase will begin as a non-cancerous pre-menopausal phrase.
Based on the results of this biopsy, I will either have a full hysterectomy if these cells are cancerous or I will have a partial hysterectomy if these cells are not cancerous. Either way, I am entering the post child-bearing phase of my life and I have to be okay with that.
My doctor greets me and goes over my 3D ultrasound results from the hospital, which identifies a large area of abnormal cells in the uterine wall. She goes and tell me that since I have had an ablation previously scar tissue may prohibit her from getting a clear biopsy today and if that is the case I would need to reschedule and be checked into the hospital for a Hysteroscopy.
"WTF," I think to myself.
So I sit on the table and get two shots in my cervix and a rod to dilate my cervix. She adjusts the rod which is supposed to help my cervix dilate and no luck. She gently (gently according to her my cervix begs to differ) readjusts the rod and again no luck. She smiles at me after this 10 minute adventure and pats my leg and she tells me that I will have to go to the hospital to have the Diagnostic Hysteroscopy to be done and I will be put under general anesthesia.
FML!
Her assistant comes in to re-check my blood pressure as I lay half naked on the table with tears flowing uncontrollably now as I ponder yet more waiting to determine if the beast known as cancer is back. My blood pressure is 124/76. I am fine to get dressed and go home. I'm sent home with Motrin for cramping and pain.
My doctor says I will be contacted within the week to schedule my appointment for my outpatient Diagnostic Hysteroscopy. I leave the Medical Building in complete frustration and I begin to laugh through my tears as I think about all of the things that are at my fingertips.
I reflect on how we live in an instant society. We make choices on a daily basis so that we do not have to wait to satisfy our desire for information. Patience has truly been lost within me and waiting is unbearable. In an instant I can have the latest music, breaking news, iBooks, the Internet and yet I have to fucking wait for 2-3 more weeks to find out what the hell is wrong with me! The waiting continues.
FUCK CANCER!
Note from Sammi: I know that some people will view this as too much information but I am writing these posts to encourage others to make sue that they stay on top of their health and hopefully this will help inform others about cancer.
Sammie Love is a wife, mother of three children, and an Early Childhood Educator and Professional Development Trainer for Teacher's entering the field by day. She is a sexy erotica writing super heroine unleashing passion on paper by night. She is an active blogger and has recently started writing a book about parenting children with learning differences.
